Til Death Do Us Part

I haven't written one of these in a long time. This will be probably the hardest one to write since I never truly opened up about this topic or this person. Crying as I type should make this one come straight from the heart. For privacy purposes, the names have been changed.

My sophomore year of high school, I transferred to a school that if I said I hated, it would be an understatement. I was bullied, picked on, constantly had girls harass me and follow me around trying to fight me (I ended up getting suspended for fighting back) The only upside for me, was gym. Jason was a year older than me and thus did not share the class with me but we did share the gym period meaning I saw him before and after class. Towards mid semester, he stopped me and told me I was beautiful. I don't think I ever smiled harder.

After he graduated and I was in my senior year, he would pick me up from school and we would hang out all day. School became too much without him so I enrolled in a program called human success so that I would no longer have to go there, finish the classes I needed at college to get my diploma early and thus have more time with Jason.

My friends that knew of us talking would always tell me he was cheating on me, but I would look into his deep brown eyes and ask him and he swore I was the only person and he loved me more than life itself. Words are nothing without actions. He would ask me about my past and he was the first person I opened up to, cried in front of and allowed to wipe away my tears. I knew he was my first love and hopefully the one for me. I would tell my friends, there's no way that he could cheat on me, we're always together. He lived four blocks away from me and was within walking distance so I was always there.

One day he told me he had got a new place up north and was able to buy a new car. I was happy for him because I always wanted him to do well although he was moving further away from me, he promised to always make the trip to come see me.

After being involved two and a half years, I called him one very memorable night. A girl picks up and demands for me to tell her who I am. Not being one for drama, I told her my name and she tells me hers is Meghan and that her and Jason had been together for three years. I apologized and hung up the phone. Two minutes later, she calls back, telling me I'm the first girl that had called all day that didn't try to start something with her. She goes on to telling me, she's been beaten by him, she's had several abortions by him, he had just moved into her house and was now driving her car. She began crying to a complete stranger (myself) telling me about the flaws in their relationship and how she just couldn't stand it, but she didn't have the strength to leave. Meghan and I sat on the his phone for two hours, reflecting on what we both thought was our one true love.

The next day, Jason calls. He tells me, some crazy girl stole his phone and somehow he managed to get it back and saw she had called me. I must have looked more blonde then or something because how he could ever think that was a plausible excuse was beyond me. I challenged his theory and we went back and forth until I hung up. He then began texting me an array of insults saying well fuck you then, you believe some ho over me you never really loved me and became very defensive. Everything finally made sense. What I had thought was love was all a lie. I was in it by myself and my heart was broken.

A month later, I was getting ready for work at Macy's. While I was walking out the door, he called me; only to find out when I picked up, it was Meghan. She told me he had been shot and killed and asked if I knew anything about it. I told her no and hung up. Thinking this chick was really losing it and was just telling me anything to make sure me and him were no longer talking I wrote it off; but much to my dismay once I got in the car, people were blowing me up apologizing for my lost. I checked google and saw the report of him being shot to death and at that very moment I couldn't breathe. My sister who was driving at the time, asked what was wrong and I said very calmly, a guy I know was shot. I remember like it was yesterday she very coldly said oh...and turned around. We pulled up late to my job and my sister said "use your little boyfriend dying as an excuse for you being late"

I shook my head and made my way to the door. I punched in and proceeded to cleaning the glass when I finally just dropped to my knees and bawled like an infant. My manager came around and told me to take an hour break and come back so I walked around the mall reminiscing. We had went from love to hate within an instance and now I couldn't even apologize for my words. I could never see him again. I could never erase that pain because somehow I thought he would wake up next to Meghan and realize that he loved no one but me and would come back. Maybe that's the reason, although both of us said "DELETE my number" neither of us did.

I wanted to alleviate the pain so I got my ears pierced during my hour break in memory of him. His funeral was on the day of my sister's baby shower and I had to choose, because I couldn't get the day off, which was more important. Celebrating a birth or honoring a death. They say every time God takes someone away from you, he gives you someone new and out of it came my beautiful niece.

No one knows or quite understands how much this damaged me though. I no longer trust nor do I try to love as whole heartedly in fear that the feeling isn't mutual. I live by each moment being my last. I believe that no word is true without a reflecting action or something to validate it. Sometimes when I'm alone I cry hoping he hears me and cries for me too. Hearing that Meghan was pregnant with his child when he died and was considering having another abortion no longer phased me. I find myself comparing others to him, or what I believed he was. Is this guy as caring, does he share the same dreams he did, does he hold me tight and promise to never let go?

I've built walls around myself in fear that someone might find that flaw and knock it down like Jason did. We were never married nor do I think he would have wanted to marry me but I felt deep in my soul that it was definitely til death do us part. I gave my best til I realized it just wasn't enough and I loved like I would never love again...maybe that's it...I just can't ever love again?

There will never be another him, but hopefully there will be someone better. Someone who is all the things I believed Jason to be. Someone that I don't have to say "I love you" to, he just knows it and shows his in return. "A friend who dies, is something of you who dies" As we approach his four year anniversary of his death, and the day my ignorance towards love died, I hope God will restore the life in my ability to love.

"There is only one happiness in life and that is to love and be loved" nothing else matters. I guess I'll never be truly happy until then...